


Teh Bestest FIc Ever or OMFG IT BURNS

by sleepywriter



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: M/M, Mpreg, Mythical Beings & Creatures, Out of Character, Parody, The Author Regrets Nothing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-01-03
Updated: 2013-01-03
Packaged: 2017-11-23 13:42:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,290
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/622804
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sleepywriter/pseuds/sleepywriter
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>OMG!!!!11 THis is teh bestest fic ever.  It has Harry/Draco and Draco/Harry and Veela!Draco and Vampyre(I like that spelling BETTER)!Harry.  THere may be some OOC-ness, but I can't tell because OMG Harry and DRaco love each other.  Oh, there be MPREG too.  OR A fic written one day when I spent too much time trolling at the Pit.   Here be parody.  And nonsense.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Teh Bestest FIc Ever or OMFG IT BURNS

**Author's Note:**

> This may be the scariest thing I have ever written. Proceed with caution because I am not footing your hospital bills. Think of this fic as a therapy for me after three days of reading the dribble on fanfiction.net. All mistakes are probably intentional. This may be the only time in my life I mention the word 'penises' in a fic. Watch out for some of the puns; I couldn't help myself. You'll notice halfway through that some 'good' writing started to come back, but then it dies a very painful death. *shakes head* I don't know... I just don't know. Originally posted on fanfiction.net, before it was taken down by the website about three days after I posted it. What can I say? Sorry I'm not sorry about posting it here. 
> 
> This was originally written in 2006, so this predates _Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows_ , as an FYI.

One day, at Hogwarts (that's the skool of witchcraft and wizardary, don't you know? Oh, that's Harry POtter's school!) Harry, the drop-dead oh-so-sexy Gryffindor Golden Boy walked down the halls like he owned the plac.e He probably did own the place, come to think of it, as he was the great-great-grea-great-great-grate-great-great-great-grate-great-great-great-great-great-grea-great-great-grate-great-great-great-grate-grat-great-great-grandson of all of the of the Hogwart's founders, along with being the great-whatever of Merlin. Harry looked like all of founders of Hogwarts, but his hair mostly resembled that of Salazar's, which made him, in all honesty, the hair of Slytherin (buh-dump CHING!). He's one fine boy, indeed'm. 

Oh, yes, Harry was a drop-dead sexy wizard for Light. But was he really a Light Wizzard? THe wolrd will never know.

Anyhow, becaues that's knot important and we need to move along to getting are two favorite boys into bread, Harry contineud to walk down the corridor like he owned the place. He ran right smack dap into Draco Malfoy (that means bad faith in french, don't you know?). Draco Malfoy was the Slytherin Sleezeball or Sex God, depending on who you asked and what day it was. Draco Malfoy father was Lucius (or Lucious, I can never remember which one), Lord MoldyVoldyToldy or Voldiemorte's right hand man (or left hand man, depending on what day it was and how kinky He-Who-Likes-Handjobs felt). Whereas Harry's looks were dark and striking, Draco was pale and stunning. THe 2 boys standing together, barring their teeth and lookinf for a fight was more than enough to wet a few panties (I said 'wet' hahahahha).

"Watch were you are going, Potty!", Draco said, glaring at the shorter/taller boy (once again, depending on who you asked and what day of the week it was).

Harry glared right back. "Bit me Malfoy!"

Draco smirked. "Where at?"

Harry actually appeared to ponder hte question before growling. "I hat you." 

Draco nodded. "I hat you ever more."

The two hated rivals walked away from each other. Well, it's more like they stalked away from each other likfe five year olds, but still. The went in opposite directions. They didn't go the same way. One boy went one way while the other boy went the other.

~~  
Five Minutes Later...

Harry was being confronted by his dead parents, his not-not-father Snape, his Great-Aunt Louisa's dead salamander, and Puff the Magic Dragon. "I'm a vampire?"

"No, your a vampyre. THere's a difference." said BillyBob Ho the salamander. 

"...I like to set stuff on fire?" Harry asked, confused.

BillyBob Ho hte salamander shook his head in disgust. "No, you nitwit. Your a vampyre, not a pyro." 

"Ahhh," Harry said as if all of the wondres of the universe had been explained. Harry blinked. "What's the difference between a vampire and a vampyre?"

Hermione or Homione (depending on you asked and what day of the week it is... she's cheaper on Fridays) popped up and let off a litany of facts. "A vampyre has a solus matus, or a soul mate for you plebeians. Somewhere, you have a perfect person for you. Being a vampyre, you'll be able to conceive a child."

Harry looked confused and Hermione sighed. "I lose you at plebeian, didn't I?" 

Harry nodded while Puff exhaled and started singing absentmindedly about "happy grass". Hermione sighed and wondered if it was too late to join up with He-Who-Likes-Handjobs. "You're able to suck blood, Harry, amongst other things if your solus matus turns out to be a mail. If you mate happens to be a male, you'll be able to conceive a child. You'll become pregnant... preggers. You'll be with child. You'll be in the family way. You'll have a bun in the oven. Eating for two. You'll be up the duff. In a delicate condition."

Hermione looked at Harry's confused face and literally growled. "FOR FUCK'S SAKE, HARRY, YOU'LL END UP KNOCKED UP." 

Harry and Puff went "ohh". BillyBob Ho the salamander went to the bathroom on Sevvie's robes. Hermione sighed and decided to see who was willing to pay for her services and she stormed out of ... wherever the hell everyone is.

BillyBob Ho the salamander looked at Harry. "O, btw, if u don't find ur mate by 2nite, u will die. Sucks 2 b u."

And Harry went "OMG." and passed out. He was only 15, why the bloody hell was it always him?

Snape looked at harry's ded parents. "Wanna shag?"

"Mmmkay." the ghosts said and the trio left. 

~~  
Meanwhile with Draco...

Draco, in much the same situation as our favorite gyffindor vampyre, was being confronted with some shocking news. His father, his mother, his Grate-Uncle Henri's remote control, and Flipper the dolphin. Lassie was running late, unfortunately, and probably wouldn't make the meating.

Lucious walked up to Draco and stared at him. "Boy, u r veela. Go find mate." 

Draco was shocked! And appalled. He waxed dramatically to anyone who would listen. "O, woe is me! For I am but a humble Slytherin who is no long just a humble Slytherin, but a Veela! O, woe is me and once more!"

EmmaJane hte remote control through her mute button at the Veela boy. "Draco, shut up. If you don't find your mate by tonighte, you will die. But becareful boy, for you are a powerful veela and you can control emotions nad you can make people feel your emotions and you and yoru mate are going to have a wild time in bed otnight can I watch?" 

Draco put his hand to his forehead dramatically. "O, woe is me for the remote is but a perv. I must be off to find my mate. I wonder who it may be! I must search high and low for my mate so I may jump him, for I am but a homo, and proceed to shag. Oh, mon dieu!"

As Draco Pirouetted out of the room, Lassie ran in the room barking. Nacissa knelt down next to the dawg. "What is it boy? Harry Potter is Draco's mate?!" Narcissa smiled dreamily. "Oh what wonderful children they will produce." 

~~

Harry and Draco, once again (and the second time in fifteen minutes), ran into one another. Draco glared at Potter before noticing his oh-so-sexy eyes and hair and feet and legs and everything else. Draco sighed at Harry. "oh Harry."

Harry staired at Draco. He knew Draco was his mate. "Oh my dragon."

Harry proceeded to jump into Draco's arms and the two began to kiss like no tomorrow (which, may very well be, but that's a different storie, mmmmkay?). Draco held Harry around the waste and started to leave cloths all over da place. As the 2 left cloths all over da place, they stumbled into a magickally appearing room. Their penises soon were as long and hard and steady as the sword of Gryffindore. Then they proceded to have SEX. 

Which I will not describe, because, hell, even I'm not going there.

Harry lied on Draco's chest and smiled as he felt the bond between them be created. He sighed; happyer than he had even been in his 15 years on Earth. Draco continued to kiss Harry as the vampyre sucked blood out his mate's neck. 

Harry suddenly gasped and the veela looked at his mate. "What the hell is your problem my darling vampyre?" 

Harry grinned at Draco. "Oh, my love, my long lost dragon, you have knocked me up!"

Draco hugged Harry happily and they went back for rounds two, three, five, six, seven, and eight of celebratory sex. 

And from all the happy emotions flinging around school, everybody had an orgy.

And in the lake, Puff the Magic Dragon was sharing a joint with Flipper and the Giant Squid.

The Ned. 

 

Fin.

 

Owari.


End file.
